| Match reports are temporarily posted on the V&A
web site then removed.
In shameless breach of copyright, good manners, etc., they are preserved here: |
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| 2011 |
| Paul Harris came from L.A. to play village cricket with us. It was everything he hoped for: a perfect green pitch in the sun and a deer park opposite. And exactly what he wanted to get away from: competitiveness, business talk. A pity about the absence of cucumber sandwiches but that is down to Sarah and I have had a word. Our opposition were precisely what Paul imagined: gentlemen all, mostly from Balliol where the team originated, and decked out in a variety of pink and green striped caps and jackets, from the smarter clubs. Their captain, James Rivington, sets the tone. Corinthian in every sense, ensuring that everyone who wants to bat or bowl does, whether they can or not. Although a Magdalene man himself he is a democrat and prepared to rub shoulders with the Balliol men around him. And he defies the years at the crease and in the field. I think he threw overarm at one point, but that might have been an oversight. |
| I lost the toss in a 35 over game, and we fielded. We opened with Sunil and Dennis. James opened their batting with Coales, and both are fine classical batsmen, but Coales was run out by Adam at square leg, and James was bowled by a beauty from Dennis (who said, modestly, that it would have got better batsmen than Boycott). He also bowled their no. 3, Scudamore, for 8 and despite their excellent keeper / batsman Nasser steadying the ship, they lost quick wickets to terrific balls from Martin Bowden when he came on (both bowled). He also had Brian Berrigan caught brilliantly by Nick Emley for a golden duck, putting him on a hat trick, narrowly missed. The dismissal of Brian was a turning point. He is a very good batsman in a team lacking batting depth, to put it ever so politely. |
| There was one emotional moment when Martin shouted at Adam at short square leg ON THE SINGLE which one assumes to mean please be vigilant, walk in and stop any possible chance of the batsmen running a quick single. Unfortunately the next ball they ran a quick single. To Adam. Martin said something unflattering to Adam about his dopeyness, laziness and incompetence, which his mother might agree with, but which Adam felt was uncalled for. He was doing his best, it was just not very good. |
| Nasser, despite a potential match winning 40*, was unable to farm or truly dominate the bowling which remained accurate even when Peter Linthwaite came on. Pete might have got Nasser caught behind if Nasser had been keeping. There were another couple of keeping gaffe?s in an otherwise faultless performance (no byes): a ball was skied off Adam. I shouted MINE. I ran for it like a gazelle. But at the last moment was distracted by the sight of Paul Harris, no offence, and dropped it. The next ball there was a run out chance. With lightening reactions I broke the wicket, which the Laws of Cricket say you must do to effect a run out. But they also state, apparently, that you must have the ball in your gloves at the time and this I had failed to do. But the batsmen were both down my end and luckily the ball ran to a fielder who threw it to Adam. He gathered it at the third attempt and knocked off the bails. |
| Sunil once again showed his prowess in the field with one brilliant catch off Adam at cover, low and hard, and a sure one off Martin at mid-on. When Martin had 4 wickets and was understandably hoping for his Michelle (Pfeiffer ? five fer, geddit?) he let a possible catching chance from their no. 10 drop harmlessly at his feet. Dennis surmised audibly that Martin had wanted the man?s wicket himself for his Michelle. I cannot believe that a team man like Martin would be interested in such stats. |
| There was some swashbuckling stuff at the end from their no.s 8 and 10, Evans (21, his highest score ever) and Lane, but in the end despite Nasser they managed only 113. Their slow start, at 44 for 6 they had used up half their overs, had not helped and had put pressure on later batsmen. |
| Lunch as always was excellent. Marred by Adam ruminating on the distinction between crossdressing and transvestism which is not the sort of talk Balliol men want to hear over their assiette froide. He himself is a Cambridge man and thus errs on the louche side. Tea was also provided by Sarah and if she eschewed fancy sandwiches she had gone to the trouble of unwrapping the Kit Kats. |
| We opened with the standard pairing of Emley and Morris and once again it paid dividends. While Nick saw off the penetrative bowling of Brian, Rupert whacked the loose ones the other end, one majestic sweep for 4 the epitome of class and timing. Eventually, after six 4s, Rupert was caught in the deep one handed for 36, top score, and Nick went for 33 (three 4s and a 6) after some purist drives. We did not wobble, Dennis (26*) came in and hit some fearsome boundaries and it was left to Paul Harris (10*) to finish his agreeable day in the country by hitting the winning boundary. Paul is a noted agency photographer and his snaps of the day will be circulated free of copyright restrictions. |
| All in all a lovely day if not a close finish. Dennis strummed on Pete?s guitar, some lingered on the porch with a substance and a beer. Rupert and Dennis are now away until September and will be missed. |
| We have played the Erratics for 20 years or so, and it is nice to play a team with a similar demographic to our own. But age has not wearied them nor the years condemned, to judge by the sight of the sprightly James, Chris and Brian et al. What is their secret? No sex before a game I was told, not for a month before. Not a difficult choice for some of us. |
| Nicky Bird |
| |
| 2009 |
| A DREADFUL CRASH on the M40 meant a three-hour drive to Stonor for some. Bummer. Typically, the police closed the motorway to photograph bits of glass and tyre marks, but only after traffic had built up for 2 hours and had backed up 20 miles. They do things better in France. And probably provide crudités and a crisp Sancerre. |
| We didn’t start until well after 1 and although Bird N. – temporarily standing in for the marooned Richard Woolhouse (captain) - won the toss and might have preferred to bat, he put the Erratics in as they were only 5 at that stage, hardly a quorum for fielding. We decided on a 30 overs game because of the late start. |
| Sunil and James Nixey opened the bowling and did extremely well, doing just what was required, keeping the runs down while avoiding a hatful of wickets which, in the circumstances, would have been unfortunate. But then Sunil bowled a beauty shattering the wicket to dismiss one opener, and tempted the other into a top-edged hoick to James Nixey fielding at fine leg, who seemed to misjudge the thing until diving late to take the catch. James bowled 3 excellent overs until going to pieces in the fourth. Strange how these things happen but it happens to the best - I once saw Bedser bowl 4 wides in a row, something James did on Saturday, but there the resemblance between them ends. |
| The Erratics innings was anchored by an impressive 68 by Berrigan, finally dismissed off Martin caught behind, Bird N. making it look more difficult than it was, as someone rudely commented. Their skipper Nasser, a very fine bat and superlative wicket-keeper, was caught brilliantly by Freddie Motley at point off Richard, reminding some of his ‘catch of the century’ in his very first game 4 years age, when a mere 14 or so. He is a first class cricketer in every sense. |
| Richard then bowled Nasser’s 13-year-old son, a fine embryonic cricketer, with a nasty, fastish ball that would have bowled Bradman. There were mutterings of ‘bastard’ by Sarah and Adam’s mum on the boundary, appalled that Richard could have been so cruel and ruthless. But he did not get where he is today by being soft on small boys. |
| Adam bowled their excellent no. 5, Neal, and Richard Heller was run out from a stupendously accurate throw by James. A four off the last ball saw the Erratics creep to 149, perfectly respectable. Their no. 2 batted twice as they only had 7 players. They were very apologetic but who are we to complain when we too struggle to raise a team on some days. I know a couple of people who would like to play but you would not wish to spend a day with them. If you know agreeable people who can both play and eat peas with a fork sign them up. |
| We had superb roast beef for luncheon thanks to Sarah’s culinary efforts. Unfortunately she left the green salads behind and your Committee felt obliged to speak to her about this dereliction. Thank God our resident vegetarian Peter Linthwaite was away, otherwise there might have been violence. |
| The weather had been mildly threatening on occasions but the sun shone for much of the time. When Lucinda turned up she mentioned that it had poured just 4 miles away. |
| Fraser and Morris opened our innings dashingly, at a brisk 5 an over, reaching 60 without loss, after a flurry of elegant strokes from Andy and some big hitting from Rupert, who was eventually caught and bowled after being dropped rather embarrassingly by Sam, substitute fielding [incidently, Sunil fielded all day for both sides!]. |
| Andy was in terrific form, perhaps unstretched by the bowling but giving no chances – apart from two very good LBW appeals by spinner Chris which I turned down, possibly unfairly. Batting at no. 3 Richard commented after the second (quite convincing) appeal – ‘I thought it was plumb’ which rather undermined my adamant ‘Not Out!’ Their keeper, Nasser, is a different league, standing up to fastish bowlers and still picking up the leg-side ball. He stumped Richard for a pacey 46. Richard thought he might not have grounded his foot and walked, umpire Moore having rejected the appeal. Richard’s graceful and generous exit allowed Freddie Motley to come in and hit a beautiful 20 not out, which included some powerful on-drives hit with perfect timing, and a classic back-foot straight four. We passed their total after 23 overs, Fraser sweeping a magnificent 6 off his last ball to reach 62*, having carried his bat. As is traditional he promptly announced his retirement on grounds of age and infirmity. |
| The London Erratics are a very pleasant team and the day was fun. Nasser’s son is going to be a really good cricketer, his bowling is precocious and his batting correct - he reminds me of the cautionary tale of farmer’s son James Hunt of Stonor. He used to play with us as a small boy of 12 or so, because Stonor CC refused to give him a game. But when he was 14 or 15 he was poached by Turville who recognised that when he grew he was going to be terrific. Which now, aged 30 or so, he is. But he is lost to Stonor as they did not give him a game. Like the Jesuits we need to get them young… |
| Nicky Bird |
| |
| 2008 |
| BECAUSE OF SOME COCK-UP we were 13 – having struggled to find 11 for the last two games. In fact we turned 2 players down and one failed to get out of bed. And Linthwaite buggered off before our innings so we might have had practically two teams. |
| Rupert Morris was captain but was late - he had to turn back because he thought he’d left the oven on (‘Old men forget’ – Henry V). So I tossed with the Erratics’ skipper James Rivington and somewhat imposed a 30 overs match, because a) the forecast was iffy and b) some of us had to leave early and anyway most are incapable of fielding for much more. Long declaration games can be dull. I won the toss and elected to field, assuming batting would be easier in the afternoon (it wasn’t). There were a few grumbles from the opposition who thought 30 overs niggardly but at the day’s conclusion (around 6.30) they would have seen the sense in a pleasant day, with a leisurely lunch and tea (courtesy of Rupert and Sarah) with batsmen going for runs out of necessity. |
| The decision to field seemed justified when James was caught behind first ball (a De Caires outswinger). But this only brought in a very good player who scored a splendid 50. Although Adam, Dennis and Jake got wickets – and Adam also held a good catch – their innings was defined by a century partnership (‘almost unprecedented for the Erratics’ said their captain) from their No.s 3 and 4 (Khawaja) batsmen. They ran brilliantly between the wickets, they sometimes ran 4 and ran 3 when we would struggle to complete 1. No chances went down, there was merely a likely LBW appeal rejected. I ran out Khawaja when he was on 49 and feel a bit of a cad. |
| Although at lunch they had only averaged about 4 an over they doubled that afterwards. They eventually reached 185. There were a couple of novel aspects to our performance in the field. Nixey bowled a perfect over, line, length and pace. Two balls on middle stump were only just flicked away with a lucky cross bat. Then he was taken off. Andy Fraser was sitting in the pavilion as 12th man when Adam Jacot shouted to him to remove some dog shit which was menacingly sitting on the square by Adam’s toe. Adam suggested, with a commanding air, that Andy get a scooper. And Andy did. With but the merest whisper of a grumble. Throughout the match Andy was a picture of restraint and decorum. |
| Our innings began promisingly with the ever willing Nixey opening with Adam, who started briskly and kept the run rate ticking over while James played and missed a few. Adam was bowled for 24 (by spinner, and author, Richard Heller who’s fictional Harry Bear, leader of the Fur Play Party, will be standing in the Henley by-election). Jake came in but possibly shagged out by a late night soon departed. Andy played nicely for a quick 16 but it was Dennis, hitting 4s and 6s imperiously, who threatened the Erratics total, but on 27, when we were 133, he had a little rush of blood (concerned about the run rate) and was stumped by Khawaja (an excellent keeper). Our innings then fizzled out some 30 runs short. But James Nixey had batted with real power – with 5 memorable fours stroked though the covers – for a personal best 42 which anchored the innings and gave us a chance. He has more bottom this season, in every sense. The only incident of note was a controversial ‘no ball!’ shout from umpire Rupert Morris for a beamer to Dennis, who had charged down the pitch thus perhaps contributing to the ball’s waist height. A fielder at long on thought Rupert’s was an incorrect call and said so, but possibly he didn’t use the words ‘that was an incorrect call in my humble opinion, Umpire’. Anyway, vexed, Rupert called him – I think – ‘a pillock’ which is not a word that the courtly and urbane Morris would normally use. But Rupert pointed out that he had called ‘no-ball’, thus in a Descartian way, it was a no-ball, because the act of an umpire calling ‘no-ball’ deems it to be. “I call ‘no-ball’, therefore it is.” |
| The Errarics are always a delight because they play the same sort of game as us, with a mixture of youth and age, although they stop short of our incontinent best (not a reference to Patrick Cobb). Usually no team is quorate without one irritating pain in the arse (to add to the complement of disabled and gay), but they don’t seem to have one. Perhaps, to ensure inclusiveness, they’d like one of ours. |
| Nicky Bird |
| |
| 2007 |
| The threat of thundery storms of Biblical fury put back kick off until 13.30, so no official lunch but a magnificent tea provided by the family Morris. It was Kitty Morris’s birthday (age undisclosed) so their whole menagerie came and had a day out in the Chilterns. When we arrived they had clearly been enjoying a good, upmarket picnic lubricated by Veuve Clicquot and several bottles of 13% Burgundy. The 13% did the trick for Rupert as he opened with a blistering attack on the (very good) bowling, hitting 10 in the first over. His opening partner Rico Wilson was whacking anything loose but succumbed to a strain and Bird N. came in as a runner, not everyone’s first choice as Mr. Nippy between the wickets. Then Rupert too fell victim to that curse of the aged, the pulled muscle (as did one of their chaps) and so the field was littered with walking wounded, runners, and confusion. Geriatric cricket – it is the sign of things to come… |
| Rupert holed out to mid-off, but Rico powered on, assisted by Andy Fraser (after Adam had been bamboozled by one that kept low). Rico was eventually caught behind for 25, unable - with his disability - to get his foot to a wide ball. Andy was soon after bowled for 21, having been distracted by some banter and indecision in the field. In the meantime umpire Adam Jacot had managed to have a tiff with their nice bearded opening bowler, Bowden had fallen to a controversial umpiring decision by Simon Hilditch (LBW, front foot well forward, and bat / pad), a friendly kite came to admire Andy’s late cut and their opening bowlers plugged away unremittingly, this being a timed game (20 overs after 6.00) there was no restriction on the number of overs bowled per bowler. |
| We might have been not inconsiderably embarrassed, as John Major would say, but for a marvellous powerful innings by skipper Dennis de Caires, who thwacked the ball to all corners but particularly straight and square. One 6 and ten 4s tell the story and on this slow outfield the tally of 4s is doubly impressive. He was not out 74 at tea, the other end being propped up first by Peter Linthwaite (bowled for 4 but a useful innings) and then James Nixey. |
| And then the rain came. And that was that. Pitch flooded, match abandoned. Bad luck on The Erratics who had fielded with keenness (some, not in the first flush of youth, are surprisingly nimble). We ended with 145 for 6 but would have reached about 170 or so, a decent total on this pitch. The Erratics would have made a good game of it – although they have a longish tail they have some very good club players at the top end. As always they bring a scorer, which always impresses, he is a real pro and vigilant with the telegraph. |
| Nicky Bird |
| |
| 2006 |
| A GLORIOUS JUNE DAY. And some glorious V&A batting. |
| Sarah was away so catering was shared by Debs, Lucinda and your correspondent. All fine and dandy
except that the opposition’s leading batsman was nobbled by Lucinda’s excellent tea-time trifle. The rich melange did for the poor man’s
irritable bowel, his sorry condition was audible from the boundary. |
| Roger was captain and was, as always, a decisive commander, but tactful and selfless too, dropping
himself to number 11. One player (R. Smith) described his captaincy as ‘brilliant’. We played a 20-overs from 6.00 p.m. game. They won the
toss but put us in to bat, being perhaps somewhat weaker in this department. Adam and Rob opened, soundly, Rob hitting a fine 4 before
being caught – frustrating, as he rightly saw nothing fearsome in either bowling or pitch. N. Bird joined a free scoring Adam and the pair
put on 50 odd before Bird was out rather pointlessly trying to force the pace. Enter Fraser. He started guilefully as is his wont, with
late cuts and classical drives along the ground, but pulling the loose ones venomously to leg. Adam (48) continued to punish the bowling,
with one memorable six, until misjudging a ball on the wicket. His innings took all the pressure off our batting. |
| Fraser and Bowden continued the run-fest until Bowden (20) was called for an unexpected run and was
run out, just after lunch (a gentleman like Martin does not whinge or call Fraser names, not in public). But the free scoring continued
with Robbie Hayley and Andy smacking the ball all over the ground. When Robbie was out for 21, we had already amassed 203 runs and were
clearly safe from defeat but then some rather tired bowling was punished by a devastating innings by Dennis de Caires. Rarely have we seen
such destruction, not since Vib’s stunning centuries, although Adam in his pomp is a match. Dennis (59*), and a now totally dominant
Andy (84*), put on 87 in perhaps 8 overs, steering us to 290. We may have scored more in the past, but never so quickly. There were,
incidently, 40 extras; our own performance in the field resulted in only 6, a telling difference. |
| The London Erratics were short of a couple of key players, and it showed. Roger trapped their opener
caught behind, Linthwaite bowled their number 3, their number 4 was run out after fine work by Peter behind the stumps, catching a wayward
throw from Robbie and hurling the ball downwards to shatter the wicket. When Linthwaite (3 for 28 off 9) had their number 2 batsman also
caught behind, the Erratics were tottering on 56 for 5. Quick wickets from Dennis (1 for 17 off 7) and Bowden (3 for 29 off 5) wrapped up
the game and they were all out for 119. It was our biggest winning margin. Mention should be made of Sean’s aggressive, excellent bowling,
no wickets but his 4 overs netted only 2 runs, which forced their batsmen to risk runs the other end. |
| The London Erratics are perfect opposition. Although they had no chance of even nearing our total, the
tailenders did not frig about and try lamely to defend the last 15 overs – they enjoyed themselves and whacked a few boundaries. The
Erratics are like us, a mixture of yoof (one boy was 10) and experience (one man played good club cricket before Compton was a drunkard),
but missed their spine of athletic 20 somethings. They coughed the inflated match fee without demur, and offered only a mild rebuke to
Fraser and Noble for yabbering in the slips while the bowler ran in. One man sported his old prep school cap, to remind him perhaps of the
consequence of failure at the crease - debagging behind the pav. I fear he lost his trousers. |
| Mention must also be made of Jacot’s cameo of an over. The first ball went for two, the next was a dot
ball, the third went for 4. But on its way it travelled at catchable height towards Adam who, it grieves me to relate, let out a queeny
squeak and ducked, covering his face with his hands. Some older stalwarts recalled Bruno and his bottle problem. Yet Adam recovered his
composure and had their last batsman caught by Martin at point. |
| By the way, the reason I can offer bowling averages etc. is that The Erratics brought with them their
official scorer who did so impeccably, for which we are indeed grateful. We could use such a chap. If you know of someone who would enjoy
sitting in the heat all day and watching Rob Noble bat, listening to Andy’s filthy chatter, and being molested by Sarah’s yapping dogs for
a reward of a glass of warm Pinot Grigio, let us know. The job might appeal to some old cricketer no longer able to scamper between the
wickets, so if you bump into Patrick Cobb, do mention the vacancy. |
| Nicky Bird |
| |
| 2005 |
| THE LONDON ERRATICS lived up to their name. Last Wednesday they
pronounced that they were a mite short of the eleven players that traditionalists regard as the
conventional number for a cricket team. They were five. Any chance of getting a few more by Saturday, we
asked? No. They were too busy, too old and too injured, that was their maximum. V&A stalwarts pitched
in and found them some decent cricketers and in the end we played nine against nine. It worked rather well
apparently (your correspondent was ill and off games) despite initial fears that the day was going to be a
bit Michael Mouse. Among The Erratics regulars was a ten-year-old boy with all the natural reticence and
bashfulness of Shane Warne. |
| Skipper Bowden elected to bat. Roger Smith was back from Oz and had
lost nothing of his zest or eye, despite rumours of ill-discipline down under. He scored a calypso 92 not
out with his customary flair and power. Martin was out controversially caught behind, yet you would not
have known from his grace and dignity as he trudged to the pavilion that he had not hit the ball. Adam got
30 or so, others contributed to our total of around 200. One of their bowlers, Ward, got 7 wickets, a
record this year, with the pitch giving nothing to the bowler. |
| The Erratics fared poorly at the crease. All our main bowlers were in
the wickets and in the end they were out for 130, which would have been even more meagre without their
opener scoring 60. Nick Emley took the Bird role behind the stumps and, I gather, did extremely well. The
contrast with my performance last week was noted. Skipper Martin Bowden voiced the hope that Emley and
Chris’s friend Olly will become V&A regulars. We need a few more reliable players of a certain
maturity, who are not seduced away by the mud and ooze and dope of Glastonbury. |
| Nicky Bird |